Mr. Big : Ugly Crying and Profound Sadness

I will start this tale by saying that what follows isn’t meant to entertain you. It might depress you or make you sad in ways you did not expect from this blog. Despite this, I feel I must share because I know that you, reader who I’ve never met but already know and love, can relate on some level.

I met my Mr.Big on May 6, 2014. I was out for a girls’ night at a hipster bar in the west end and in about 30 mins, to quote the illustrious Aubrey Graham, my intoxication had gone from 0 to 100 – REAL QUICK. I was dancing in a manner one could only describe as spastic-chic when my friend, enabler of all enablers, said “M, go dance with that bearded guy behind you!” I turned around to find just that, a bearded 20 something male looking in my direction, so I did what came naturally — I pulled him close (without saying any words) and proceeded to assault him with my body – girating and oh yes, twerking, in ways Miley Cyrus would have been ashamed of. I can honestly say that, aside from the facial hair, I had no idea what my bearded dance partner looked like.  He might as well have been a figment of drunk M’s imagination, because the next day when he added me on Facebook, my first reaction was truly “who da faq is this?” Followed closely by,  “damn he’s cute! Who da faq is this?”

On our first date, we met for drinks and talked and talked until I had to go and meet up with my friend. Stupidly (but also first date  with strangers 101) I made plans with a friend in case the night proved to be a bust. As all first dates go, I wasn’t sure how it went but I knew  that I was interested and that I sensed he was too. It seems I was right because we hit it off after that date. He asked me out again and again until our meet ups were no longer dates, but rather hangouts with the person you are “dating”. The amalgamation of lives began shortly after– I met his boss, he met my friends, he invited me to his hometown, I invited him to mine. Sleepovers were assumed rather than awkwardly anticipated. I even, for a brief moment, had the keys to his apartment. Everything was perfect. More than perfect for me,  if that was possible, which may be the reason I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn’t imagine this person, better than anyone I could have conjured up in my imagination, could be interested in me — still an ugly duckling inside. Then one day, it happened– the shoe dropped.  He asked me to go on vacation with him 6 months in the future, so, realizing that this meant that he assumed we would still be together at that time, I asked him if he was my boyfriend. That question seemed to have made some commitment issues resurface, because 5 days later, he ended it (via text) by saying that he didn’t want to be in a serious  relationship.

I got the text when I was meeting with a friend for ice cream I semi-fancy part of downtown. I looked at the text, and ran into an alleyway to conceal the public from the operatic hysterical crying that I was about to unleash. I’m not sure whether this is good or bad, or a sign of “you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone”, but it was only in that moment that I realized how much he meant to me. I knew I liked him, but it was only in that moment that I realized that I didn’t want to be without him. I’m not sure what to call that feeling — I’m reluctant to call it love, but it’s a feeling of intimacy that I hadn’t felt before nor have I felt since. I’m not sure I’ll ever really understand what happened or why he didn’t “choose me”. I’ll probanly never be able to reconcile his actions and words pre and post his decision to end it. His attempts to explain were shrouded in politeness and slight condescension : “you’ll find someone, for sure, it’s just not me.”

It’s been almost a year since my Mr.Big Cryapalooza 2014 and I have thought about him every day since. Because I’m a sadist, I’ve talked to him quite a bit in that time (yes, even hooking up in that time) with each chat or encounter only building on my sense of loss for what could have been and rejection for that ugly duckling that will always be a part of me.

The Mr.Big saga has taught me some really useful things:

1) I am an ugly crier. When I  cry, my face contorts  in ways that make me think that I have an underlying degenerative disease that only surfaces when I’m upset. ( According to WebMD I am dying, so I should probably get that checked out).

2) Real friends know how to listen.  Real friends will listen to you ugly cry about the same thing for a whole year, but at the same time call you out for wallowing in your sorrows. Bad friends will disregard your feelings. Bad friends don’t know how to listen. Real friends know that when  you are hurting, sometimes you just need someone to sit therr and say nothing. Real friends will just be there.

3) I only now understand what it means to be profoundly sad. You can feel sadness viscerally. Sadness is that pit in your stomach. It’s  that stone in your throat. It’s the constant migrane in your head when you get the feeling you are about to cry. People say that no one can make you feel a certain way, but I am conviced that is a lie. A person, whether it is the actual person or your image of that person can make you feel the highest highs and the lowest lows — when it comes down to your feelings, that distinction doesn’t matter. The same person who makes you feel like the most beautiful girl ( or boy) in the world can also make you feel like the smallest, most insignificant. The worst part about sadness is how cyclical it can be. You’re sad because of the situation, but you’re also sad because the situation has made you so sad, which not only adds to the sadness, but makes you feel stupid for feeling that way in the first place.

4) Sometimes the only way to grapple with the hard truth is to realize what you already know, but don’t want to admit: he simply doesn’t give a shit about you. This is “he’s just not that into you” 2.0 — better because it doesn’t leave you with the hope that one day he will be into you. A guy who gives a shit about you will make that known, and will never make you feel (or put you in a situation that makes you feel) like #3.

My friend says that my long line of terrible boy stories must be a way of building of my boy karma — so shitty in so many ways because it is leading to someone so amazing that it will all have been worth it. If it turns out that the sexy ass leprechaun at the end of this boy karma rainbow makes me feel as happy as the Mr.Big situation has made me feel sad, then yes, it is 100 percent worth it and I truly hope that is the case.

There’s no real way to end this post on an entirely postive  note so I won’t insult you by trying, but I will say this: I’m not sure when will be completely over Mr.Big, but I do know it will happen eventually. There will be a day when I don’t think about him at all, days will turn into weeks, those weeks into months.  I hope that one day Mr. Big reads this and realizes the emotional kamikaze he dropped on my life. I also hope that by then, I’ll be happy, whole and a much prettier crier than I am currently.

M, signing off.

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How to Lose a Guy in 45 Minutes

selfie

I popped my Tinder cherry before I even got the chance to download the app.

I was in my final year of grad school in a small, suffocating town and the avoidance of sheer boredom motivated my every step. Everyday, I had been hearing about this Tinder phenomenon though my chose circle of girlfriends. Through this app, my friends Lucy and Steph seemed to have been living a dating life as close to Sex in the City as possible in a city where the greatest attraction was the Tuesday night amateur drag queen showcase in the basement of the abandoned church.

My friends and I all met at a bar one night during exam time to and Steph and Lucy proceeded to recount their latest  fantastical encounters with the MBA, law and med students (MLMs) they had met via Tinder. I couldn’t download the app because I had an “WhiteBerry” at the time, so, as I was looking through the visual selection of equally desperate singletons on Lucy’s phone, I felt a serious pang of “FOMO” ( Fear of Missing Out). I knew it! I thought. It was not my mood swings or shopping addiction, or inability to actually tie my shoes that had disabled me from dating but it was, in fact, my phone that had disqualified me from finding the mancrush of my dreams. I had to rectify this situation.

When I stumbled across a good looking guy on Lucy’s phone,”Chris” we came up with a plan so that this one wouldn’t get away. From Lucy’s profile, Lucy messaged Chris and told him that she had a very pretty friend (me, duh) who didn’t have Tinder, but was interested in him, so he should call her at this number ###-###-####.I never thought I would hear from Chris again, but I was proud of myself for making the effort.

A few days later, a received a text from a strange phone number. It was Chris.

“Hey…it’s Chris. Your friend Lucy messaged me on Tinder and told me you were cool. What’s up? What are you doing today?”

Elated that the idea of me had reeled him in, we began to text back and forth for a little while, exchanging personal information about who we were, where we worked, where we went to school in the flirty -emoticon-laden way ony millenials can understand.

Finally, after about 45 mins, Chris asked me the inevitable.

“So…can I see a picture of you?” It was in this moment that I realized that since Lucy had messaged him from his profile, I knew what he looked like, but he had no idea what I looked like. I scrambled through my phone quickly, but efficiently, trying to find an effortless ( yet fabulous) picture of me that would solidify Chris and I’s love connection. I finally settled on a picture from the summer before, where I was in a sundress at a concert next to one of my friends ( I made sure to add a note specifying who I was in the picture).

With my awkward teenage insecurities suddenly making a roaring comeback, I pressed send and waited….

and waited…

and waited.

I never heard from Chris again.

As any girl would, I tried to rationalize his lack of response. For hours, while alone or consulting with the BFFs, I considered that perhaps his phone died, or perhaps he never actually received my picture, or perhaps he suddenly developed Carpel Tunnal and no longer had use of his opposable thumbs. The reality however was this — Chris didn’t like me. He didn’t like how I looked, and that was enough for him to end what could have been the greatest love story of our generation.

My rejection was quick and dirty, and all because of Tinder. But of course, the dating sadist in me was hooked by this experience, and thus began my life on simultaneously the best and worst app ever to grace the social media world.

I learned an important lesson from this ( and from all my subsequent Tinder experiences): sometimes people just won’t find you attractive. It is not meant to be harsh, but it is, and it’s a useful fact of reality. Not to worry though, friends, my self-esteem did not plummet as a result. Little did I know it at the time, but soon there would be plenty of harmless Tinder weirdos who would find me incredibly attractive…

Dating Q&As with people much wiser than I #DQAs — Bonus Addition — An Interview with Big Brother

I decided to throw in a Bonus Edition of #DQAs because I ran into “Big Brother” recently and he’s always been a fount-o-knowledge when it comes to figuring out dating.Notice his answer for the “How long does it take you to get ready?” questions… LADIES — if your date only took 15 mins to get ready, be aware! HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

 

 

Name: 

 

Big Brother

 

Age Range: 

 

29

 

Relationship Status: 

 

Taken

 

Three words to best describe your dating life:  

 

If sound effects count as words, then “Oooff!” “Haha!” and Eventful

 

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on. What made it so bad?

 

It was my fault. I was supposed to meet this girl but my mom ( who had the car I needed) said she was going to be home at 7 but didn’t end  up coming home until 11. The girl waited for me the whole time. By the time I got there the movie theatre was closed so we ended up going up for coffee. We went on  one other date after that one….I was late for that one too….

Have you ever tried online dating?

 

No. Never even had the opportunity. Everytime a new online dating thing happened, I was a serious relationship with someone new. Most frustrating and rewarding experience ever.

 

How long does it take you to get ready for a date? What are you wearing?

 

Depends on how much I like the girl. 15 minutes for casual, museum-type, “I don’t really like you” dates, to 45 mins for “full throttle dinner/ after-dinner drinks and wherever the night takes you” dates.

 

Who should pay on the first date?

 

The guy.

 

What would you say is your dating “deal breaker” ( i.e the one characteristic that will make you leave your date immediately, no questions asked)

 

Bad food chewer. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

 

Do you think social media and texting makes dating easier or harder?

Easier. It’s more efficient. You choose your words more carefully.

 

What made you decide to get married/get in a relationship?

 

Was it really my decision?…

 

You get tired of the game. Once you find someone cool, you just run with that. See how far you can take it.

 

 

What is your go-to breakup music/break up song?

Dru Hill – I don’t ever want to see you again/We’re not making love no more. On a CD filled with somewhat lovey dovey songs.

 

Who do you go to for advice about dating?

Depends on the situation. Sometimes my sister.

 

Advice for us lonely and depressed singletons?

 

Keep living the dream, man. It only gets worse.

 

Pick 2 and Only 2: Love, Success, Looks, Children ( by children, I mean the want/potential to have kids)

 

Looks and Children.

Dating – Crunching the Numbers

 

 

Buzzfeed Worked Out Exactly How Much Time You’ve Spent On Dating In The Past Year

If you’ve ever wondered how much time you’ve wasted on your relationship status, Buzzfeed ( i.e the Millenial Bible) has broken it down for you and, not surprisingly, the numbers ain’t cute. They’ve broken down dating and it’s related activities into hours: Messaging, Stalking, Beautifying, Actual Dating. The numbers are scary, I have to say, considering I spend less time actually dating than I do doing productive things, like reading or shaving my legs. Also, is it me, or is this person downplaying their stalking hours?? My stalking hours ( via Facebook, instagram and oh, yes LinkedIn) is almost equal to my actual dating ( I may have said too much here….)

 

 

Dating Q&As with people much wiser than I – Volume V: Costanza

After doing a few interviews, I realized I was completely disregarding an important resource — A MAN! One of these mysterious creatures who are often the bains of my existence sits in the cubicle right next to me, yet I hadn’t asked him to decode the man-speak that often melts my brain. Here, in the final installment of Dating Q&As with people much wise than I, I interview Costanza, whose rational approach to dating solidified my suspicion that I generally overthink absolutely everything.

Name: 

Costanza

Age Range:

40-49

Relationship Status:

Single

Three words to best describe your dating life:

Fun, Adventurous, Calculated

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on. What made it so bad?

No horror stories, just loooong dates with women who are conducting an interview…  mostly because I don’t want to be rude and cut it off after 10 minutes.  I think the worst dates are the ones where you totally connect with a person and think it’s going amazing, and then find out after that they’re just not that into you.

                                                                                                                              Have you ever tried online dating?

Yup. OKCupid.

 

How long does it take you to get ready for a date? What are you wearing?

I don’t think about it too hard or try to impress. That’s just not my style. I take a shower and dress like I’m going out for an evening.

 

Who should pay on the first date?

The guy. No debate.

 

What is one thing  you think all women should know about dating men?

Guys like to chase, so it’s really disappointing when I know she’s totally into me on the first date. Hold your cards up and at least make me think you’re still on the fence.

 

What would you say is your dating “deal breaker” ( i.e the one characteristic that will make you leave your date immediately, no questions asked)

I usually stick it out for a reasonable amount of time out of respect. She would have to be rude or threatening for me to get up and leave.

 

Do you think social media and texting makes dating easier or harder?

Easier I think. The banter that goes back and forth in short one-liners can be really enlightening about people’s character and sense of humour.

 

Who do you go to for advice about dating?

Close friends (male and female) who will give me honest feedback. I like to get both perspectives.

 

Advice for us lonely and depressed singletons?

It’s a “numbers” game.  Nobody really expects to hit the jackpot the first time they buy a lottery ticket.  Date as much as possible.

 

Pick 2 and Only 2: Love, Success, Looks, Children ( by children, I mean the want/potential to have kids)

Love, looks.

Dating Q&As with people much wiser than I — Volume IV: Queen’s Quay

Name: Queen’s Quay

Age Range: 28

Relationship Status: Married (6 months).

Together for almost 7 years.

Three words to best describe your dating life:

I’m married but we still go on dates! I’d describe our dates as: Comfortable, fun and social.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on. What made it so bad?

Actually my first date with my husband was hilarious, but kinda bad when you consider that it was a first date. We went out for dinner and margaritas, but his mango margarita was really gross and he threw up at the restaurant!                                                                                                                                    

Have you ever tried online dating?

I went on a few online dates before my husband and I started dating (although we didn’t meet online).

 

How long does it take you to get ready for a date? What are you wearing? How much makeup are you wearing, if any?

15 minutes. We don’t typically go anywhere too fancy these days – out for beer, dinner, concert, movie, board games, etc. We share the same group of friends, so our dates are more often “group dates”. For makeup, I may wear some concealer, blush and mascara.

 

Who should pay on the first date?

Whoever wants to!

 

What would you say is your dating “deal breaker” ( i.e the one characteristic that will make you leave your date immediately, no questions asked)

It would take a lot for me to leave immediately. They’d have to be rude and/or insulting.

 

Do you think social media and texting makes dating easier or harder?

I think it makes it harder to get to know someone more intimately in the beginning of a relationship, but as a married couple, I find it helpful to stay connected when we’re not together.

 

What made you decide to get married/get in a relationship?

We were already basically married (we owned a house, a cat and a car together), so it didn’t seem like too scary a step.

 

If you are in a relationship, how did you know he was the one?

We have the same values, interests and similar life goals. Our families are very close too.

 

What is your go-to breakup music/break up song?

Alanis Morissette.

 

Who do you go to for advice about dating?

My mom or my best friend.

 

Advice for us lonely and depressed singletons?

Enjoy being single! Meet lots of people, try new things and you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process.

 

Pick 2 and Only 2: Love, Success, Looks, Children ( by children, I mean the want/potential to have kids)

Love and Children.

Thoughts from M

Is it uber girl-cliche of me to say that this Q&A with Queen’s Quay gave me hope? Anyone who gets ready for a date in 15 mins and has managed to keep a husband is someone I look up to  (although QQ clearly doesn’t have to trick people into thinking she’s goodlooking a la Jenna Marbles, like the rest of us…i.e me.) I love QQ’s answer to the “who pays” question, because I think it says a lot. I’m in a weird semi-space where I haven’t figured out my thoughts on this: I don’t think the guy should be expected to pay just because he’s got the D (although I don’t judge anyone who thinks this), but I also don’t think I should have to pay just because I am a feminist and I want you to hear me roar ( I mention feminism because this is often touted as a reason for why the woman paying is now an option). Also, I’ve been dating some fiscally irresponsible duds lately, and I often make more money than my dates, so it would be a little unfair to expect the struggling to pay.

 

 

Dating Q&As with people much wiser than I – Volume III: An Interview With Calgary Stampede

Name: 

Calgary Stampede

Age Range:

29 forever

Relationship Status:

Sort of…

Three words to best describe your dating life:

Long Distance Sucks.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on. What made it so bad?

Meeting up with my ex again after many years, unfortunately his cheek bones disappeared and he is still living at home!                                                                                                                                     

Have you ever tried online dating?

No! Not my style…too creepy…too Criminal Minds.

How long does it take you to get ready for a date? What are you wearing? How much makeup are you wearing, if any?

It depends on where I plan to go, my mood, if I really like the person, if it is fancy – probably an hour. It is all about deciding what to wear — from styling my hair to a comfortable amount of makeup to jewellery to comfortable stylish shoes. Decisions, decisions, decisions, decisions…

Seriously, I would probably take longer if I was going to a hockey game!

Who should pay on the first date?

It depends if the guy really wants to impress his date. I’m not old fashioned at all but I think it is classier if the guy takes the lead. There is nothing tackier for a couple to argue who should pay or a guy being stingy.

What would you say is your dating “deal breaker” ( i.e the one characteristic that will make you leave your date immediately, no questions asked)

There’s a few (sorry): bad table manners (if I had to pick one) says it all. Do you not know how to use a knife and fork??…Urgh…Rude to the staff, bad body odor, and no sense of humour.

What is one thing that someone who is dating you/married to you needs to know?

Not crazy about germs or being with a partner who is not clean or tidy.

Do you think social media and texting makes dating easier or harder?

I don’t think social media should be part of a relationship (there’s something to say about owning private moments). Texting is another chore, yuck.

What made you decide to get married/get in a relationship?

Not usually thinking about marriage — in fact, never. Relationship? Um..he pursued me and my schedule was open.

If you are in a relationship, how did you know he was the one?

Is he? Still don’t know but it is fun working it out.

What is your go-to breakup music/break up song?

I’m not a romantic; I don’t like to think of these as breakup songs (others might) just beautifully worded and composed songs; plus I want to share them:

Lauren Hill’s “Ex-Factor” and Bonnie Raitt’s cover “I Can’t Make You Love Me”

Who do you go to for advice about dating?

My feminist, unconventional, independent and truly insane best friends (married/dating).

Advice for us lonely and depressed singletons?

Waaaaaaaaaa, my wee little singletons lonely, don’t be; depressed, why the Flying heck for? Enjoy and cherish every moment of doing your own thing on your own time. There is so much to do, so many different people to meet (wink wink)

Pick 2 and Only 2: Love, Success, Looks, Children ( by children, I mean the want/potential to have kids)

Hmmmmm, some loaded words here, need some more clarity…

If you love the person you may have success in having children with good looks…

Dating Q&As with people much wiser than I — Volume II – An Interview with Khaleesi

This interview gave me the feels. See below for the cutest interviewee ever. Relationship goals? Boyfriend AND mom = BFF.

Name: Khaleesi

Age Range: 26

Relationship Status: In a relationship

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on. What made it so bad?

I went on a blind date that lasted 30 minutes. At the end of the 30 minutes he had already started referring to me as his girlfriend.                                                                                                                                    

Have you ever tried online dating?

Yes.

How long does it take you to get ready for a date? What are you wearing? How much makeup are you wearing, if any?

Depends on the date. Usually an hour (including shower time). I’d usually wear jeans or a skirt and a nice top.

Who should pay on the first date?

I’m old fashioned. I think the man should pay for the first date.

What would you say is your dating “deal breaker” ( i.e the one characteristic that will make you leave your date immediately, no questions asked)

If they talk about themselves the whole time.

What is one thing that someone who is dating you/married to you needs to know?

I think it is important that they know a bit about my dating past.

Do you think social media and texting makes dating easier or harder?

A little bit of both. It is easier to talk to people through all of the channels that are available to us but that can make things more difficult. We are used to receiving instant replies now and get flustered when it takes more than 10 minutes for someone to get back to us. I think our expectations regarding communicating with our partner are too high now.

What made you decide to get married/get in a relationship?

I met someone that I really love. He is my best friend.

If you are in a relationship, how did you know he was the one?

He accepts everything about me and always makes me laugh.

What is your go-to breakup music/break up song?

I’m going to be cliché and say “The Cure”.

Who do you go to for advice about dating?

My Mom…….

Advice for us lonely and depressed singletons?

Don’t stop looking! There are plenty of amazing people out there. It’s always when you stop looking that the right person crosses your path.

Pick 2 and Only 2: Love, Success, Looks, Children ( by children, I mean the want/potential to have kids)

Love and looks.